Been a while ....

Ok so I had hopes that by giving up Facebook I would post more. Looks like that didn't come true. So the hope now is that I at least post a few times a year. I guess we will see on that front. Anyway I just thought I would comment on the crappy Monday I am having. Woke up this morning with the alarm going off thinking: "Why isn't someone else dealing with that?" Then coming to the slow realization that it is Monday and I am the one that should be dealing with that. I get to work at long last feeling that today I might actually get something done but I feel so uninspired that I'm actually getting very little done. I'm busy sure but I could be far more productive. In a way I guess it is just because I feel undervalued here. I have been here for pretty much five years and I have asked for formal training, and not even denied just ignored, so often that I have now given up asking for some. This just feels crappy and I don't think it will change? After all why should it? Management changed and still all my requests are ignored. *sigh* I am told that things will get better in life "they always do" but where I sit right now in my tired, exhausted, and trying to keep my sanity I'm not sure how. I wish I could job hunt but the cover letters I write now don't even look good to me so I know they won't look good to an HR person let alone a technical person. I want to pull the chute and get out but I don't think I even have a backpack on right now.

Harry Potter with an interesting twist

imgur link

Ok after reading this is kind of adds a potential interesting twist to the end as this part is never resolved. Now I haven't had a chance to do any fact checking on the statements of prophecy yet but a good quick read anyway.

Writing

Well I killed my facebook account a few weeks ago thinking that it would actually make me write more here instead of there.  That was a mistake.

Here is the updates that I guess have been missing: Youngest started crawling out of his crib and last Friday didn't get to sleep until after 23:00 because he kept doing it thinking it was fun.  Our solution to that was to convert his crib to a low bed for him to sleep in.  Problem solved no more kids falling out of cribs.  Now if he would just stay in bed that would be also awesome.

I have come to the conclusion that I'm no longer engaged at work and really just feel like a robot going through the motions.  I don't care about the company as a whole or anything else really I just do my job and make people happy.  I am hating the commute more and more with each passing month so I will be happy when I find something new .... If I ever find a job that I might like.  I'm getting tired of only finding first level support positions available and nothing else.  Just means when I start looking it just gets more depressing.

I think because of the the above two reasons I can honestly say I fall under "clinical exhaustion".  Not like I ever had a great memory but now I can't remember anything past a few days ago and even then it is iffy.  After getting a good night's sleep I'm still tired and have a hard time functioning three or four hours after I wake up, might be part of the reason for my lack of engagement at work.  I'm doing my best trying to get to bed early but it is hard when Youngest is always up causing problems.

I need a new job.  This one is slowly draining me and filling me with nothing.  So for the past three years while I have been job hunting I have had a single interview and after that I found out that they were shelving the job because they wanted someone more junior for the role.  I felt sorry for everyone that took part.  Hiring someone is a long process and that wasted everyone's time.  So to those that get rejection letters for your applications feel happy that someone even notices you because for the past three years no one really has for me.

It's been a while....

....since I started working here.  I admit it the job is easy and the pay is ok but it kills me none-the-less.  A 90 minute commute each way was fine for the start.  In theory it was intended to be a four week contract that started in October and I was rolled over to full time in the following February.  I was happy I got the full time job because it was my first in five year, opposed to contract work.  Then the years started to go on and my second son was born.  As we happily agreed I took the second half of the one year we could share off.

Things changed .... A lot of things changed.  I realized after being off for a little over 6 months that this job was killing me more than I realized.  I was looking for a new job while I was off as I did have fragments of time to look while youngest was sleeping but nothing ever came to light.  I found I could either try to be a VP, not likely with my resume, or I could get an entry level position at a new place of work, not likely because my salary would be less than half of what I make now.

The beginning of this week marks my fourth year with this company.  It marks three years of me trying to get out for something closer to home and failing.  It almost marks, three weeks away now, my one year return from leave.  I feel that all my work over the past three years and only fetching one interview means I'm staying here for life.

A life that is slowly killing me in my 90 minute commute.  A life that is wearing me down faster than I should have to accept.  A life where even though I'm damn good at my job no one around seems to see value in my work.

So I'm forgetful

I had completely forgotten about my blog until someone pointed it out to me.  Actually a couple of people did.  So I think I'll work on posting frequently again not out of respect for my friends that found it but in hopes that I will find this as a platform to vent out my stray thoughts and start to get reality sorted out again.

Now since my last posting naturally a whole lot of stuff has happened.  Let's see I have had a second son born.  Bought a new car, a Volkswagen Jetta TDI, which I'm still in love driving.  Found a new game to play on ArmorGames called Wartune.

In Wartune I have found a friendly guild with great people.  Those friends mentioned above would be Guild Master Arcanu and Kefir!

I'm really not sure what to say beyond that as I'm still having my head as a mess of thoughts.  Anyway for those friends of years past if you are still reading I hope you will continue coming back as I should now be posting a little more often.